In response to the devastating earthquake in Haiti, Rev. Pat Robertson addressed the incomprehensible suffering of those people who were already staggering under an 80 percent poverty rate and 65 percent unemployment.

"…they got together and swore a pact to the Devil," Robertson explained on his "700 Club" TV show. "They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.' True story. And so the Devil said, 'Okay, it's a deal!'"

If, all those years ago, Haitians agreed to a future of grinding poverty, disease, unemployment, substandard housing and now earthquakes just to be rid of their colonial oppressors, it was the worst deal since the Lenape Indians sold the island of Manhattan for $24 worth of buttons and cloth.

Rev. Robertson did not mention how he alone happened to be privileged to the Haitians' private dealings with the Devil. But such knowledge is power. And it's not what you know - it's who you know.

Suffering at the hands of a loving God is a problem that has confounded theologians since time began. Now, it seems, Rev. Robertson has identified the cause. Whether it is an earthquake, cancer, global warming or dandruff, somebody somewhere made a deal with the Devil. And a bad one at that.

It is clear that what humanity desperately needs in these troubled times is a mediator, an insider who can negotiate the fine points of those tricky demonic contracts so we don't end up giving away more than we get. And it's obvious there is only one person qualified for the job.

Yes, Rev. Robertson may have found his true calling at last. As our liaison with Lucifer, Robertson can help us negotiate a contract for nuclear power without all that annoying radiation. Or, say, chocolate without calories or tooth decay. Robertson will ferret out all those weasel clauses and hold Satan's feet to the fire. He alone can work those back room deals without being offended by the smell of brimstone. But can Pat take the heat? Hey, is the Pope Catholic?

And now Rev. Robertson will no longer have to go on TV and mooch petty cash from the poor and the frightened and the disenfranchised. Now he can go straight to the banks and big corporations and name his own price. And he'll be worth it.

I hope those poor Haitians have learned they can't save money by acting as their own attorney. When you're negotiating those really big contracts, you've got to go right to Rev. Robertson.