Lose the kazoos.

OK, those weren't technically kazoos that were making that non-stop, highly irritating buzzing noise that drowned out any other sound from Saturday's World Cup match that positioned the United States against England in one of the most highly anticipated soccer (football?) matches this country has ever known.

What "highly anticipated" means, exactly, I don't know. Highly anticipated in Great Britain, no doubt. Highly anticipated in certain enclaves in this country, no question. Highly anticipated in the Marion-Cedar Rapids community, not very likely (except for at this newly opened English pub on Cedar Rapids' northeast side called The Londoner that is owned by an English couple and, by all reports, was standing-room-only Saturday afternoon).

The inexplicable blunder by English keeper Robert Green that allowed the U.S. to exit with a 1-1 tie must have the England fans who invaded that pub out of their minds.

In a 48-hour period from Thursday through Saturday, one traditional American sports fan watched more soccer than he had in his previous 52-plus years on the planet. And he left the experience conflicted. He remained puzzled by the world-wide appeal of the game, but was largely impressed by the athleticism required to play the game.

Yes, that traditional American sports fan was me. I spent most of the day last Thursday at the Iowa girls' high school state soccer tournament in Muscatine, documenting the endeavors of the sixth-ranked Linn-Mar Lions, who played in a Class 2A quarterfinal game that evening.

The Lions lost to No. 4 Bettendorf, 1-0, to end their season. No heads were hung (OK, there were a few tears) and nor should they have been. Linn-Mar completed a 15-5 season that was the best in the 13-year history of the program. Greater things are certain to come.

"It was just nice taking girls who wanted to play soccer down here, and they did what they wanted and they kept going after it," Linn-Mar Coach Steve Dickinson said after the loss at the Muscatine Soccer Complex.

I gained an appreciation for the sport, and certainly for the athletic ability the young women from both Linn-Mar and Bettendorf showed. The fans from both sides were passionate and the sportsmanship was outstanding.

That experience led me to Saturday when I sat down at a local watering hole and watched the USA-England match. I have to admit I feel like I wasted two-and-a-half hours of my rapidly escaping life.

The match ended in a 1-1 tie, and while every fan who truly loves soccer seemed fulfilled, the outcome left me empty. Now what? I thought. Has anyone accomplished anything with this draw? Are the American fans celebrating any more than the Brits?

The bartender and I provided our own play-by-play during the match, trying equate plays and phrases into the sports we know - football, basketball, baseball, golf. "Was he offside?" the bar-keep asked at one point. My educated reply was, "I don't think you can be offside in soccer." "Shouldn't that be 15-yards?" the keep said after a tripping incident. "I don't know," I said. "I think the field is measured in meters anyway."

And then there were those horns (kazoos?). What's up with that? It might be the most annoying background noise at a sporting event that I have heard, with the possible exception of the constant hard-rock music that was played during an Arena Football League championship game I covered in Des Moines back in the early 1990s. Kurt Warner was the Iowa Barnstormers' starting quarterback in that game, so at least that experience had a little redeeming value.

Lose the kazoos. If that doesn't happen, I'll watch the rest of the World Cup with the sound muted.